Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
