he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
