When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
