somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
