My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm gonna fight the coyote
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
