I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
