I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
