I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
