What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
