Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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