Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
