You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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