I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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