I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
