When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
