He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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