would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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