We're like a lot better than the average bears
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
