I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
