I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
