you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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