i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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