Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
