I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Text me some of your sweat
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