Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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