dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
