fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
