i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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