captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Randomize
