Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
