Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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