The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
