I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
