You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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