She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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