I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
