the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
