every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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