Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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