WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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