She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
