When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
