there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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