Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
