My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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