it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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