I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
