I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
