I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
