tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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