I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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