my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
