i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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