I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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