Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
