so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
