we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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