I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
