last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Come on in and take your pants off
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