I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
another moral hangover. fuck.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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