You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
